It’s here. The day you turn 18. Wow. Yeah. Wow.
I’ve thought a lot about what to tell you on this momentous birthday. I talk a lot, so there probably isn’t a lot left unsaid.
But the more I though about it, the more I thought that maybe there was one important thing left to tell you. It’s a secret I’ve held on to since the day you were born. I think you’ve caught glimpses of it throughout your life, but I decided it’s time to admit the truth out loud.
18 years ago, when I held you in my arms for the first time it hit me like a ton of bricks. Here was this perfect amazing little human I was holding and he was my responsibility. I was in charge and he was counting on me and I had no clue what I was doing. No freaking clue. Not one. Not a hint of one. Right then and there I had to make a decision on how I was going to move forward on a pathway that was completely shielded from me and one that I had no preparation for or ability to navigate.
I decided I was going to wing it.
Every memory that you have was me doing that. Trying to figure out, on the fly, what was needed, wanted, not required, etc. First birthday party. Totally made that up. First day of Kindergarten. Winging it. When we thought you broke your arm playing football? I know I may have looked calm and collected at the ER, but I was a mess. When middle school was hell, I was barely hanging on. When you made the basketball team, learned to play piano, got in trouble, got awards, were sick, were sad, were scared…I was making it all up as I went along.
Here are some highlights that may come as a surprise to you.
I invented “Rub, Rub, Pat, Pat” for when you got hurt. I know it seems to work, but it’s made up. I don’t think most doctors would recognize it as a true therapeutic treatment.
I never liked jazz music, until it was one of the only things that would calm you down as a baby.
The “Most Improved Reader” award you got in first grade? I knew you had a rough year, so I went to Barnes and Noble and got a book about sharks that I knew you would love and made up a certificate for your teacher to give to you. I wanted you to know that someone was proud of how hard you were working.
Every time you ran with the football during elementary and middle school I had to close my eyes and not watch. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t. I wore sunglasses so that you couldn’t tell.
I’ve emailed your teachers about a billion times about various things in the course of your 13 years of school. Seriously, it’s a miracle they haven’t requested a restraining order, especially your poor Kinder teacher, who is still giving educational advice to me 12 years after you were first her student.
When grandma came to visit and brought the mismatched nativity pieces and you started playing Chess with them, I tried to get you to stop. Grandma gave me evil looks until I gave up and let you use Mary to knock the Shepherds off the board. You invented “Nativity Chess” and gave our whole family a funny memory.
When you were two and somehow managed to disable the alarm, open the deadbolt and go down three flights of stairs before we caught you, I stopped breathing. Visions of losing you forever flashed through my mind and I could barely walk. That’s why your dad caught you first. I was paralyzed with fear. I am sorry.
When I saw you on stage last year in the musical dancing, singing, and acting, I wept with pride. There were some skills there that I had no idea you excelled so wonderfully at. And I had secretly thought that auditioning wasn’t a good idea. I was wrong. You were wonderful. So wonderful.
There are nights when I kneel in your room in the dark and pray for you as you sleep. I usually cry, but you sleep so soundly that you’ve never caught me. I want all the best things in life for you and I feel incompetent to help you get them but every time I kneel to pray for you, I am flooded with reassurances that your Father in Heaven wants the same thing and that He has the power to help you get it. It’s the most amazing feeling of comfort.
Do you remember bumper cars? You get the car going the way it is supposed to and then BAM, you are hit from the side by someone else trying to drive their own little car. So you start again only to have the process repeated many times over. I kind of feel like life is like that. If you look closely, you’ll notice something interesting about everyone in the cars. Some people look like they are enjoying the ride and others spend the entire time being frustrated. When their time is over, those frustrated people look back longingly at the ride like they missed out on something. Then there are the others. They spend some time stuck in the corners, waiting for the ride operators to push them back into the middle. They get bumped and jostled as much as the next person. They have some smooth patches. And they do some bumping of other cars. But they enjoy the ride. They are glad they took the time to drive.
Jare, I am so much like the boring people. But somehow, since you were in the car next to me with your hands up in the air, laughing hysterically, the ride was so much more fun. It was the best ride. I’d take every bump and jerk a billion times over to ride next to you. You made it amazing. And I have no doubt that the rest of your ride will be just as epic. Just drive, sweetie. Wing it when you have to. I’ll be nearby the whole time, winging it too.
It’s a misleading title, I admit. Gluten isn’t really the one doing the attacking in my body. It’s a harmless little protein that makes my body go psycho and attack itself. You might think of gluten as the yummy wonderful something that makes bread, pasta, cake and so many other things light and fluffy and delicious. My body sees gluten as a rouge invader bent on my destruction.
Imagine if you were walking down the street and you saw a nice old lady on the opposite side of the road from you. You smiled. She smiled and waved hello. You started to wave hello, but realized that your body (independent of your brain) had marked and identified this Mother Teresa type grandmother as an imminent threat to your well being. But instead of running over and attacking the woman (which would be bad), your body began to beat itself up with vim and vigor all while your brain tried to reason with it.
Brain: “Calm down. I can tell you are getting upset, but I promise this nice old lady is no threat to you.”
Body (while scanning for any available weapons): “Yeah right. Did you see her leer at us?”
Brain: “Leer? Do you mean smile sweetly. That’s what I’m getting. No leering. And honestly since I control the eyes maybe you could believe me. Now can you please stop repeatedly punching yourself in the gut. It’s embarrassing. People are beginning to stare.”
Body: “You are so naive. Good thing I am around to protect you. Watch my latest moves.”
Brain. “You are biting yourself repeatedly. That’s your latest move? How long did it take you to perfect that one? You’re not even attacking the thing you thought was a threat.”
Body: “I never claimed to be the brains of this operation. I’m the muscle.”
Brain: “Are you sure? Netflix marathons of BBC shows aren’t know to build a lot of muscle. Neither are bags of bite sized Rolos. Are you even registering the pain signals I am sending to you as you destroy yourself?”
Body: “Oh, I am getting pain alright. Must be that old lady jabbing us with those sticks.”
Brain: “That old lady is standing still staring at us as you repeatedly hit and bite yourself. And I am pretty sure those are knitting needles, probably for the hats she makes for her grandchildren.”
Body: “Likely story. Look, I’m just about done here, so if you could let me focus on the task at hand that would be fab.”
Brain: “This is just sad to watch.”
Body: (running out of steam probably because of the Rolos) I think I’ve got that dangerous lady licked. We are safe now, my friend.
Brain: “That lady is long gone on her way to read to orphans, and you are lying in a heap on the ground looking rather ridiculous.”
Body: “Hey, no pain, no gain!”
Brain: “What exactly did we gain here?”
At least this is how I imagine what happens between my body and brain during a gluten attack. In reality, within a few minutes of ingesting even a small bit of gluten, I start to feel very foggy in my head. The next step is an eye-splitting headache. Then my joints start to hurt just a little. Next comes the digestive issues. Fun. Let me tell you. Usually after 7 or so hours of all of that, I am left with a slight fever, a shaking body, the feeling that death is right around the corner, and pain in my joints that makes me cry. After another 4-6 hours of that I’m left feeling like the day or two after you have the flu. During this entire time period, my body wants to eat, but food is my enemy. A lot of times all I can do is sip water or juice. Sometimes I can tolerate rice. The feeling of fatigue and pain in my joints and skin lasts off and on for several days to a week as long as I am extremely careful about not being near any gluten and keep my diet fairly mild. I’m usually pretty short tempered during this whole time period, which is one of the least fun parts for my family. Advil, massages, sleep, laughter, and the kindness of my family are what gets me through. Within 2-3 weeks I am usually completely recovered.
I’ve gotten “accidentally glutenated” from one of my kids drinking from my cup with crumbs on/in their mouth. I’ve gotten sick from opening up a bagged cake mix and inhaling some of the particles of flour that poof up from the bag. I’ve gotten sick from putting a glutinous noodle in my mouth to test it before realizing what I’d done and spraying my mouth out with a water sprayer (not my best moment). I’ve gotten sick from pans and plates that weren’t fully cleaned. From products that changed their formula to include wheat or malt when I hadn’t noticed on the packaging. I’ve gotten sick from toothpaste and lip balm that had gluten. And I’ve gotten sick a few times when I don’t really know how I got contaminated.
It’s not a fad for me. I’m not being picky. I LONG for your pizza and bread bowl filled with baked potato soup. I cannot drive by a Panera or Corner Bakery without a tear in my eye. I roll down the window so that I can suck all the smell out of the air.
I’m not being rude when I don’t eat what you made for me. I’m calculating the odds that you know all the intricacies of this rather ridiculous lifestyle I’ve been called to lead where the top shelf in my pantry is gluten free and the toaster oven and deep fryer can’t have gluten in them. I don’t expect you to know them. I often wish I didn’t know them. And when you bring baked goods to my house and I don’t eat them, please know, my family does. They love them and I love you for bringing them to them. I can’t make them very often without a lot of risk. It’s such a nice treat for them and for me to know they have them and I didn’t have to risk an attack to make them.
So far, they don’t have to eat gluten free. I hope they never do. I hope they never argue with the ridiculousness of their own traitor body.
But if they do, or if you ever do…
I will drive you by Panera and let you have 1/2 the delicious scent. I will then drive you to the overpriced gluten free bakery and point out all the stuff that is amazing. I’ll hold your hand while you cry. I’ll drop off 7-up and juice and bags of gluten free pretzels and non-contaminated gluten free muffins and biscuits all sealed up in their original packaging so you know they are safe and whatever other comfort food you can tolerate during your own attacks. I won’t judge you when you turn down food even though I know you are hungry. I’ll try to make sure there is non-contaminated fresh fruit and veggies or an amazing salad (sans croutons) if you ever come to my house to eat. And I’ll buy you mini-sized Rolos or a king-sized Hershey’s with almonds, or a bag of Almond Joys and laugh with you as we watch marathons on Netflix. I know all the gluten free candy on the globe.
It’s a weird life sometimes, but I promise, it is not all bad.
This month represents a lot of firsts and lasts for our family. Our first-born, Jare is a senior in high school this year. How did that happen? Being a senior innately means experiencing a lot of lasts. I had to laugh when he posted a photo of his “last first day of summer band.” I know he will be marking the “lasts” all year long. I remember doing the same.
His younger brother and our third-born son, Bal, is a freshman this year and also part of the marching band. As Jare marks his lasts, Bal is marking his firsts. It has been interesting and heartwarming to watch Jare make sure that so many of Bal’s firsts are special and good experiences. Bal doesn’t fully understand, yet, what a blessing it is to have others go before you and plow some of the way before you even take your first step. Bal will have some plowing of his own to do, but Jare has certainly done his part to smooth the way of the “firsts” a little.
To add on even more “firsts” and “lasts” for our family, our youngest son turns 1 in two weeks. He’s the baby of the family and the last one we will have. So every first for him is a last for us. We are relishing the little toddler he is turning into, but missing some of the sweet baby things he is leaving behind.
The rest of the kids are all in the midst of their own lasts and first. The first time in a long time that Nod won’t have a sibling at the same school, his last year of middle school, his first year riding the bus alone. The Baby girl is in her last two years of elementary, the first year to be tested on writing and the first year to have a school issued computer. Boose isn’t a freshman this year, but there are still lots of firsts for her. Her first full AP class and the first year without any of the dreaded PE requirement.
Life is full of lasts and firsts. Some of them we aren’t even aware of until they have passed. I knew Jare was my first baby of course, but I had no idea that we would be blessed with 6 amazing beautiful complicated children to enhance our experiences here on this earth. I had kind of settled that the Baby girl would be our last little blessing and then Buta Baby (a weird nickname I’ll explain sometime) showed up amazingly to lead us down some vaguely familiar territory one more time.
Ever have those moments where despite the fact that nothing supremely amazing is happening, you just feel like life is amazing? I’m having one of those now as I write this. How grateful I am for all of these moments in my life and the amazing people who make them. I’ll need to reread this in December when I’m running to the 24 hour CVS to buy note cards for the kid who forgot to study for a final, poster board for the kids who forgot the major project due tomorrow, and enough antibiotics to choke a horse for whichever family member will be in need at that moment.
I may need a reminder of just how very blessed I really am.
Firsts and lasts included.
I’ve known this moment was coming since before you were born. And more than any other birthday, I’ve dreaded it. 17 years old. This is the last one I get where you are still a child, still my little boy, still under my thumb in the eyes of the law. I know that seems irrational to you. If we are being honest, most of what I do seems irrational to you lately. But indulge me for a second. Please.
17 years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. I was determined to be a good mom. I could see into the future and knew that this independent, obstinate, headstrong baby would need special lessons to help him navigate his future. I had a time-line to follow. 17 years was plenty of time to instill in him all the lessons he would need to get through life. It seemed like plenty then.
There have been checkpoints for me along the way to gauge my success. When you were seven, I knew I only had a decade left. I squeezed you a little tighter on that birthday, before you wiggled free to race your monster trucks and create ramps out of my books. But there was still so much time.
When you were 12, I started to panic a little as I watched you blow out the candles on a “cool” cake. Only 5 years left and so much left to do and give. But still 5 years is enough if you work really hard.
Last year I was really beginning to be anxious as I watched you play volleyball in the backyard with your friends. You were already taller than me. 1 year left to give him everything he needs. I determined to try my best. But now here it is and despite 17 years of lessons, lectures, lovies, and late-night chats, there seems to be so much more to do. So much that I didn’t do.
I don’t think I taught you enough meals to make so that you won’t starve. You don’t know how to make my meatloaf, and I know you love it. I think you could figure out how to sew a button back on a shirt, but hemming your own pants is probably beyond you. Okay, it’s beyond me, too. But maybe I should have sub-contracted that one out to your dad.
I know I’ve told you all about most of the pitfalls of Satan that lay in wait out there in the world, but did I let you know how cleverly they are disguised? Will you be able to recognize them? And more importantly, when you inevitably get snared, will you know how to come back? Will you know that you are wanted back desperately by me and more importantly by your Father in Heaven? Do you know that everyone messes up and that everyone is still valuable, loved and important? Did I teach you that?
I didn’t manage to quell your zest for adventure at all. You are still the little boy who at 4 years old begged to go and meet some strangers. I didn’t manage to change your pigheadedness. You’re still the two year old who knew that he could safely climb to the top of the refrigerator if mom would just get out of the way. I didn’t manage to moderate your impulsive generosity. You are still the kid who gave away his coat, his yearbook, his toys, and even the entire bucket of Halloween candy he had just collected to someone you felt needed it more. I could never change your smile, with that mischievous glint in the corner that always makes me smile even when I’m so mad I am shaking.
For the last 17 years I’ve stood in a corner watching you and shaking my head at many some of your decisions. You are So. Not. Like. Me. I rarely understand what goes on in your head. And yet, more times than not, the results are something that makes me incredibly proud of you. Really. I know you don’t always think so, but I’m so incredibly proud of you. You do things I have only dreamed of, and you do them well.
There is a lot I felt I was supposed to do before now. And, I can’t shake the feeling that there is an ending here on this birthday.
But, I was hoping, if you don’t mind, that I could sign on for another 17 years?
I’ve got the experience you are probably looking for in a mom. I’ve learned a little on this last go round about who you are and how you work. I’ve figured out some things about what you need and what you’ve truly got covered. I was hoping I could tag along a little while longer? I’ve decided I’m not ready for this mom thing to end with you quite yet.
If you could see a place for me, I’d appreciate it.
I’ll pack light.
You bring the rolled eyes and exasperated sighs.
I’ll bring the irrationality and the meatloaf.
And I know you love my meatloaf.
Around Christmas time I started feeling really tired. Super tired. Ridiculously tired. And then I started feeling icky. My mom came for Christmas and we were so busy that the thought barely entered my mind. The minute she drove away, I began to wonder. What if? I counted back the days and was shocked to realize how late my little monthly visitor was. I went to buy the test fully expecting it to be negative.
It was positive.
I sat there for awhile not knowing quite what to do. I called my husband (who was downstairs) and asked him to join me in the upstairs bathroom. He came upstairs and we laughed and cried together. Because we miscarried just a year before, and had a miscarriage before our youngest was born we decided to keep it a secret from almost everyone. For the next couple of months, I blamed my lack of energy and sickness on gluten, the flu, fatigue from going back to work full-time, etc. During that time we had some scares that this pregnancy wasn’t going to work out, making us glad that we hadn’t told our other kids. But by February, everything was looking great. It was time to start telling people.
On Valentines Day we woke the kids up a little earlier with some small Valentines gifts and called a family meeting. They were all a little grumpy. My husband and I had to run out the door to work, but we asked them how they would like to have a baby brother or sister as a Valentine’s Day gift? They couldn’t believe it. They all began to cheer and hug us. Except the youngest. Our nearly 8-year-old baby began to cry. And not happy tears. “I’m getting replaced” tears. It took about 15 minutes for her to calm down and start to be a little excited. By that afternoon, she had created a behavior chart for the new baby, and some flash cards to teach her new sibling how to read.
Now, here we are with about 10 weeks to go until this baby arrives. We are all excited and waiting eagerly. Big news, indeed.
Sheesh. Best of intentions. So sorry. I’ve been busy. Blah Blah Blah Blah Blah.
A few posts in the last couple of years? How to even catch up.
Maybe its best to begin where I am?
Pick myself up. Dust myself off. Try again.